My emotions were pulling me down and leaving me empty. I wasn’t full of much good. In a way, my soul was starving and I just kept focusing on things that salted that dreadful feeling. This seeped into the night and on to the next morning- 24 hours of desolation.
And I thought I could handle it. I thought I could hold it inside while I associated with others. I was under the impression that I was in control. But the moment I started talking to someone, the sadness erupted and turned into anger. And it exploded allover someone I love.
Soon after, I regretted what I did. I felt terrible for falling apart and being irrational towards someone I cared about. In my worst moments, I feared they would hate me for doing that. But they didn’t cast me aside because I melted down. There was no running away. To my surprise, I wasn’t abandoned. I woke up the next day to find 7 missed calls on my phone.
You may be familiar with this quote from Moulin Rouge:
“The greatest thing you’ll ever learn is just to love and be loved in return.”
Based on my insecure reactions, I’m not sure I know how to accept love yet. I’m working on the trusting thing. But I do know what it means to love someone.
Love, to me, is both a verb and a noun. It can be a reflection of actions and something you hold on to. Loving someone means you think about them and wish for the best for them. It means you support and encourage them, accepting them for who they are. Love is also a trust. It’s an understanding that you can share yourself with someone and know that they won’t cast you aside for doing so. Some love takes time to develop. And above all, love is a choice.
When you love someone, you usually do what you can to make them happy. But you also guide them to make the best decisions for themselves. Ultimately, you care for them as much as yourself- and sometimes even more. In all, you’re making a conscious decision to invest in someone. By dedicating time to knowing someone and learning to confide in them, you are choosing to love.
And the thing is, that none of this has to do with the fluctuation of emotions that parallel. The good feelings are a bonus. That flush of joy that comes with meeting up with someone you love isn’t love itself- but the results of your decision to invest and care.
I believe that any dedication to someone changes who you are. Your ability to love someone shapes and defines your personality and the loving relationships you have towards individuals always remain a part of you. I don’t believe we can stop loving someone we’ve invested part of our lives in. People change people. Every relationship and experience we have shapes who we are. Those we choose to love reside in our hearts forever.
So I am thankful for the people who don’t run away when I fall apart. Emotions are human nature and working through them is part of life. To me, it’s scary to let my guard down, get upset, and even cry around friends. But even the not-so-pleasant parts of me are still pieces of who I am. So to let someone love me, I have to show them more than just my positive and happy moods. And should they choose to stay, then they are choosing to love me.
Between the Raindrops | Lifehouse ft. Natasha Bedingfield