I claimed to be against the “knight in shining armor” and “prince charming” clichés. But without realizing it, that’s still what I was expecting. I wanted to meet someone who understood me and knew exactly what it took to get me to trust him. I had an unrealistic idea that he could read my mind and a relationship would be effortless.
I was waiting to be broken. I was holding myself inside, expecting the right man to come along and force me out. I thought I’d let him do the work that was actually my own. But “one must be able to stand alone to dance with another.” I appreciate my friend’s quote more each moment.
I like to understand things and know the big picture. I ask a lot of questions. I like things to be neatly panned out, with a clear view of where the ending is. And I have a problem of wanting to control people and situations. I am a leader. I’m independent. And deep down, I know what I want. I’m also easily swayed, insecure, and unsure. “Happy, free, confused, and lonely at the same time.” I live inside my head and am not good at expressing what I want.
I understand that trying to control someone else is exhausting and impossible. (It’s tough enough managing yourself). Do I know that life is unpredictable? Yes. Do I know that trying to direct things will drive me mad? Yes. But still, this is one of my character flaws.
And what makes this even more difficult is introducing another human being to the equation.
A relationship is the sum of two individuals. This means it’s not all about me. I am inclined to be selfish, but a relationship is about compromise. I claim to be good at compromise, but on my own terms…
“I expect you to be available when I need you. I vow to not take into consideration your own life and what you’re doing when you’re not with me. I will cling to you on my own terms. I will be fickle and I ignore you when I’m mad. I will text you and expect you to answer right away. I will listen to you but never tell you what I’m thinking. You have to decode me. I expect you to read my mind.”
Does that sound like something you want to get in on? Didn’t think so.
So what am I bringing to the table in my relationships? Am I working on my flaws, trying to be the best person I can be? Do I recognize how I am different than the other person? Do I honestly try to listen, understand, and be more helpful? Relationships take a lot of effort. They’re about understanding yourself, the other person, and how you are together. That’s like 3 times the work, guys! But maybe it’s worth it.
Song: Honest by Kodaline | May it provoke thoughts you’ve buried.