When I imagine giving up all I have to grow closer to Jesus, my mind automatically tracks tangible things. When I become painfully or depressively desperate, I pray, “I’ll give You anything You want. I’ll give You everything I have.”
My first mistake comes in limiting my “all” to physical, worldly possessions. (my clothes, bed, car, phone, etc.) Now don’t get me wrong- these things do distance me from God. But the point I want to make right now is that they aren’t the only things in the way. And they certainly aren’t the most difficult of things for me to offer.
What about all I have that can’t be touched or held in my hand?
What about my ideas, dreams, and hopes? How about the way I spent my time? What about the desires I let linger, and expectations I have about how things will play out? How about my memories? What about my relationships?
I spend the majority of my time worrying about what probably won’t even happen. And this is because I’ve played out scenarios in my head with characters I’ve made up living in settings I’ve imagined with all kinds of crazy things! Talk about the conflicting life of a creative writer.
I find myself clinging to who people used to be. I dwell on old relationships I’ve had with family members and friends and how we used to interact, how they used to behave. It’s like I got to grow but I didn’t allow them to change. And often, who they used to be is who I still expect them to be. I become attached to the past. I believe this is fear of letting go of what I loved about that person and how they filled a void. I want that feeling back. But it can never happen the same way again.
It’s ridiculous to expect someone to remain the same person they were ten years ago. People change. It’s a fact of life that I’m not great at accepting.
I’ve also lost myself in hoping people would fulfill my needs. I have a selfish habit of playing out relationships and interactions in my mind the way I think they should be.
No one, aside from God, will ever be able to understand how I feel or what I’m going through. And I cannot keep expecting people to read my mind and know what I expect. Not only do people change, but they do so themselves, in their own way. I can’t make anyone who I want them to be. It’s up to them to behave as they wish.
So when I now say I give everything to God, I offer up what used to be and pray I don’t need to use my childhood as a crutch for my adult life. I raise all my relationships to Him, that he may guide me in the best way for nourishing them. And should someone break away from me, I pray for the grace to let them go without trying to hang on to something that wasn’t supposed to last.
This Post was inspired by: Scandal of Grace by Hillsong United